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Pages: Am I shallow? [1]
Author Topic: Am I shallow?
jodoin

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Posts: 3

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2011-02-08 19-48-18

Am I shallow? I have been married for 9 years. My wife suffers from severe depression and for the majority of our relationship (all together 12 years) I have acted like a caretaker. I don't really like that word, but I guess I'll use it anyway. For a while now she has been doing really well (which makes me happy) and so I am now able to try and take care of myself and allow her to take care of herself. Now, the problem is that my wife is very heavy (5' 2" and ~300 lbs). Till now I have been able to put that aside because she needed my love and support. Now though, I am finding it difficult to become aroused by her. I feel bad about this. She and I have talked about it and she says that it is important to her to loose weight (for herself as much as for me). Unfortunately, as is the case for so many people, she is not consistent in her efforts. So, I am trying to give her the time and support she needs to loose the weight, but inside I am becoming impatient, frustrated because my sexual needs are not being met at all. Does the fact that her weight bothers me so much make me a jerk? or at the very least shallow?
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Duy

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Posts: 3

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2011-02-09 18-11-40

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lundmark

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Posts: 9

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2011-02-10 11-13-59

Oh, what I meant was that he is in a similar that I wanted to hook up.
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harriman

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2011-02-10 12-03-19

it's ok I understood ;-)
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  • dorsi

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    Posts: 3

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    2011-02-11 0-54-23-

    ^^Troll post, FLAG and IGNORE!
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  • warring

    Full Member
    Posts: 19

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    2011-02-11 15-23-08

    How so? It's a legitimate question. And he's getting legitimate answers, as well as responding to them. Please stop trying to end a good, respectful, and helpful conversation.
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    dilorenzo

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    Posts: 4

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    2011-02-11 22-58-18

    Not yet we will be moving there soon though - LOL
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  • branca

    Sr. Member
    Posts: 28

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    2011-02-11 23-45-25

    seriously, I need to know. where are you now?
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    wafid

    User
    Posts: 5

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    2011-02-12 18-09-30

    Ok, not my man. thanks.
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    borns

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    Posts: 19

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    2011-02-21 3-28-14-

    makes you normal
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    anora

    Member
    Posts: 39

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    2011-04-13 23-53-25

    as cold as it might sound and somewhat self centered....I don't think so at all....that is a lot of weight and would be a turn off for most.
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    bevis

    Sexy
    Posts: 19

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    2011-06-27 4-18-55-

    The weight issue isn't shallow It sounds like you're anything but shallow -- you've put yourself on the line for many years in a distinctly unshallow effort to help your wife through a lot of difficulty. As for what does or does not attract a person sexually, if we could switch that on and off at will, life would be much easier. Just as some men prefer big boobs and others like them small -- just as some men prefer men and can't simply go straight because they "should" -- you don't have the magic power to make yourself attracted to what sounds like pretty serious obesity. As for what to do about it, that's a tough question that you need to work out with your wife, and with your own heart.
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  • Orelle

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    Posts: 25

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    2011-10-10 8-09-34-

    Thank you that was a very sincere and helpful response :-)
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  • lipp

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    Posts: 54

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    2012-02-06 2-04-36-

    You're welcome I personally am polyamorous. Before my wife and I got married, we were very clear on the fact that our relationship would not be sexually exclusive. This is partly because we're both bisexual, but it's also an acknowledgment of the reality that we all get older and dumpier, and she and I won't necessarily always find each other active. I hope that we can maintain a healthy sexual relationship into old age, but it takes off a lot of pressure to know that she doesn't have to be the *only* person I have sex with, and therefore that she doesn't have to satisfy my every sexual need. Of course, if you're *not* in a polyamorous relationship, I don't encourage cheating. But it's a helpful concept to know about, and I think it'd be good if more people embraced it.
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    daffron

    Sr. Member
    Posts: 17

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    2012-11-03 1-49-55-

    Not necessarily Sometimes people just lose the attraction. Its not your fault that you arent attracted to her at that weight. Maybe try to lose weight together and turn it into something theof you can do for eachother. Take walks etc. Turn it into something postive.
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    louder

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    Posts: 35

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    2013-06-10 3-35-46-

    We have though I have not been as conscientious and consistent as I could be. I am in fair shape, but after so many years of marriage I have put on a few extra ponds. I was an athlete when I was younger (gymnast), so being a bit out of shape drives me nuts! However, when I do gently prod her she will work out for a while. I am hoping that moving to NYC and getting rid of both our cars will help - will have to walk everywhere :-)
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    jacob

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    Posts: 43

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    2014-07-25 19-36-20

    Do things with her. That helps, too, you know. Gentle prodding can come in many forms. "Let's go for a walk so we can spend time together" is a great way to spend time together, see things, and get a bit of exercise. Works for me! :-)
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  • Am I shallow?
  • cino

    Newbie
    Posts: 19

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    2014-10-10 5-12-13-

    That's an honest post... I don't think you're being shallow... We can't control who we're physiy attracted to nor what arouses us. There's a lot of biology and chemistry in all that and sometimes love alone isn't enough to overcome nature.
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    filson

    Sexy
    Posts: 37

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    2014-10-31 10-26-45

    Maybe, but you're human. Chronic depression makes it very hard for people to remain motivated for anything. Is she seeing a therapist and on medication? There's a root to the problem, and it's not always easy to find and deal with.
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  • howdyshell

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    Posts: 52

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    2015-09-12 16-22-39

    Your OK I know what you mean by needs not being met. Your situation must be very difficult since you have so many possible options. You are not alone in leading your life in desperation. You sound like a nice guy who I really admire for hanging in there. My advise is to get your needs met and noit feel guilty about it. Why hurt anyone, especially if they can fall back into depression.
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