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Pages: when you're with friends who are not out [1]
Author Topic: When you're with friends who are not out

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2011-02-08 17-53-35

when you're with friends who are not out but you are out, how do you handle your outness? Sorry, I'm not putting this very well, but here's something more specific: I have recently moved and the people I seem to be meeting tend to be pretty closetted. I've always been out, and I make that fact pretty clear. But every now and again, I feel a bit odd about being out - like I'm outing them by being out. For example, I have recently become acquainted with a couple who are not out, but when their friends ask whether I have a bf, and I say I'm queer/would have a gf, I feel a bit like I'm casting suspicion on them. I suppose I haven't really hung out with a lot of closetted people before, so I'm curious if other people do, what do you do (and how do you feel) in these circumstances?
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2011-02-09 10-41-31

Make some different friends or just be yourself and if they have problems with it, it is their problem not yours. I am probably not the one to ask, I am a NON CONFORMIST! more now than ever and I like it.
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  • lata

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    2011-02-10 5-32-59-

    You have to be who you are and they have to accept who they are. If they are friends they will respect your not compromising who you are. Welcome to philly!
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  • matranga

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    2011-02-10 20-06-05

    I wish I was in Philly but I'll be there sometime next year. Thank you for the welcome - I was there last month, and I can say that I quite liked everyone I met! Go Philly!
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    2011-02-11 1-35-57-

    You posted from the philly area thats why I thought you were here. Where are you then?
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    2011-02-11 15-49-37

    Yes, I see that was a bit confusing I've been looking at the Philly for housing, etc., hence happened to be posting from that default view. I'm in Europe right now.
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  • hudwon

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    2011-02-12 8-27-17-

    Be yourself! If they are real friends, they will deal.
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  • schaumberg

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    2011-02-12 15-14-26

    what a headache I would not find it worth it to have to edit and filter myself. I would find other friends or else just be myself and let closeted others worry about themselves.
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    2011-02-21 1-04-52-

    I read this as being your own issue. No where does your post say your friends are uncomfortable with you; you're the one feeling odd. Talk with your friends about your feelings. They'd be able to tell you a lot more than we could about how they feel around you. Maybe they like having you around for the 'suspicion' it casts. Have a conversation about it. Could be entertaining and enlightening.
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    2011-04-12 6-30-52-

    You read correctly, this is my issue - I'm actually not sure how (most of) the casual/new friends in question feel about this, and as I get to know them better or spend more time with them, it will be discussed. (And I'm not actually that interested in how they feel - I've been out as long as I've been queer, and that's not likely to change). I clearly didn't express myself well, because I wasn't really looking for validation on being out - although thank you! - but I think I was wondering a couple of things at a more general level: first, do out people have closetted friends? If so, what, if anything does the closet/out dynamic do to (or how does it change) your interactions? Clearly, for me, I feel a bit odd about the whole thing. Perhaps the other layer to this is that I have crossed cultures and countries in this situation, so I'm perhaps feeling a bit more timid than I would be if I was in the U.S. or Canada and knew what was what.
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    2011-04-23 12-31-37

    who said anything about validation? If you're not sure how your friends feel, and you're not actually interested in how your friends feel (seriously?!), and you feel odd about the whole thing, but don't seem inclined to take steps to resolve your feelings, I don't see the relevance in your questioning. I suppose it just isn't a very worthwhile topic for me, and thus, I have no answers for you. How can I feel more comfortable around my friends and help my friends feel more comfortable around me, while still being true to myself? there's a topic worth discussion. (IMHO)
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    2011-09-07 16-16-10

    (eek - I'm a little snarky) time for lunch!
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  • welborn

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    2011-10-20 19-54-21

    it's amusing snarkiness
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  • Brett

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    2012-01-10 4-45-08-

    maybe I should have said acquaintances I was trying to kill too many birds with one post - you didn't validate outness, it's true, but everyone else seemed to. As for: "How can I feel more comfortable around my friends and help my friends feel more comfortable around me, while still being true to myself? there's a topic worth discussion. (IMHO)" In my previous life, and with people who are actually friends, this sort of thing works out as per communication and all that good stuff you mentioned before. Also, generally not a topic that I discuss with a roomful of strangers; on the other hand, what is the role of closetted people in your life, I'm cool with discussing that with people I don't know. Overall, I agree with you, this is not the most scintillating topic when you have a reasonable pool of queer people who speak your language to choose from. Your response made me smile because it's exactly what I would have said and probably have said, (I've also said get new friends, etc.) - however, I am not in a geographic position to be very choosy at the moment, hence am pondering this topic.
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  • tiller

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    2012-10-02 16-03-29

    I was not vaildating you being out either I was simply saying that taming your behavior because of someone elses suspected discomfort would not be being true to yourself. So be who you are... As for closeted folk I don't know any currently. When I was younger and I did know folks in the closet I behaved the same around them as I did around everyone else I was hanging out with.
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  • felicia

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    2013-03-09 14-18-37

    Thanks for the clarification I wouldn't want to accuse anyone of validating outness.
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    2014-09-10 15-05-41

    In my view, they need to be accommodating you, not vice versa.
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    2015-03-27 18-52-37

    What makes you think they are closeted? Do they say "I'm not out" or something to that effect? I hardly ever talk about whether I am out or not, I try to be respectful of my surroundings though too. I also can not pretend to be straight as I look queer. I do not know if I know if I know anyone closeted. But I would hope that I would make them feel comfortable enough around me no matter what. Why would I expect that they would want to be my friend if I acted wierd about them being in the closet. That is a choice they made and I am ok with that as long as they are not discriminating against gays.
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  • camilla

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    2015-09-22 0-13-27-

    Maybe you are not being respectful of the culture of the place you are now living. It seems to me you are making something from nothing because you feel different. Look within Daniel son.
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